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Don't Do Love

As soon as we do this, we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him. If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking them more.

Don't Do Love


Dr. Kurt Smith is the Clinical Director of Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching and writes a blog about the issues facing men (and the women who love them). As an expert in understanding men, their partners, and the unique relationship challenges couples face today, he regularly appears on HuffPost, The Good Men Project and FamilyToday. Dr. Kurt is a lover of dogs, sarcasm, everything outdoors, and helping those seeking to make their lives and relationships better. Check out his weekly tips on Facebook or Twitter.

And although nothing you do justifies this treatment, there are some mental health conditions that may lead you to unconsciously engage in this type of relationship and fall in love with an abusive partner.

For example, some people with narcissistic personality disorder may engage in psychological games that could make you fall in love with them and feel attached to the relationship. They may also play the victim at times, which could awaken your empathy and compassion.

Similar to talking about your dream job as a child, you might think about who you idolized while growing up. Did you love this person because they helped people? Did they have special skills that you desired? Did you find similarities between their and your abilities? By thinking about why you looked up to this person, you might find a job that would suit you. Even if you did not consider it as a child, meditating on it now might help uncover your true goals and desires. [Related: How to Be a Good Leader]

I am a Christian woman married to a man for 26 years who I do not love. I am ashamed to admit it, but I can't make myself love him. I cannot be physically intimate, which frustrates him of course. I want to obey God and serve Him, but how can I do that when I am pretending to love my husband. I feel guilty ministering to others in my situation. I know love is more than a feeling, but how do I sort this out?

In verse 21 Paul says that Christians should be subject to one another. This means giving regard for one another, and not putting our own needs above another's. Simply put, we are to love others more than we love ourselves. Then Paul moves to discussing the most intimate earthly relationship we can experience: marriage.

Wives are to follow the husbands direction in every facet of life. By following her husband, the wife shows love to her husband. Remember, love is not described in Scripture as an emotion; it is an action. Paul's final verse ends by telling the wife to respect her husband. This is the purist sign of love: respect and obedience. Again, Scripture doesn't imply it will be easy to obey, but it is something we can do with the power of the Holy Spirit.

By looking for a small starting point in respecting her husband, a wife can move in the direction of obedience and love by rely on the Holy Spirit to give herstrength in this process. When our struggle to show respect or subject to his authority wanes, we should pray that the Holy Spirit will open our eyes to see something else we can respect in our husband and begin the process again.

Notice he specifically says we should "put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity." Perhaps you sensed the truth of this verse when you said you knew love is more than a feeling. The Bible affirms this view. We can't put on a feeling, but we can put on the actions that Paul listed.

We are called to act in love even when we don't feel loving. This choice brings unity to the Body of Christ and to our marriages. Paul gives a precise description of Christian love in vs.12-13, then Paul moves to giving specific directions for the more intimate relationship of marriage.

Notice in both of these passages that Paul admonishes the husbands also to love their wives. More time is given to the man's responsibilities than to the wife's, in keeping with the man's greater responsibility in maintaining a strong relationship in the Church and in the family. But the wife has her role as well.

We cannot promise you that in the end you will come to feel love for your husband, especially the emotional, romantic love you desire. You may at least reach a point of respectful admiration or brotherly love by God's grace. In either case, love will only come because you committed to obeying the Lord by submitting to your husband and respecting his authority. In the meantime, you can rest in the knowledge that you are worshipping your Lord and pleasing Him by your obedience.

The Pop Song Professor project is all about helping music lovers like you to better understand the deeper meanings of popular song lyrics so that you know what your artist is saying and can enjoy your music more.

Adele begins Verse 1 by singing, "Take your eyes off of me so I can leave / I'm far too ashamed to do it with you watching me." She wants to leave the relationship, but her heart still pulls her back to this person who part of her thinks maybe she shouldn't be leaving. And this isn't the first time that she's tried to make this decision: "This is never ending, we have been here before / But I can't stay this time 'cause I don't love you anymore." She has finally made a permanent decision and plans to stick with it.

In the Chorus, she sings, "I can't love you in the dark." Their relationship is in a bad place for her; it leaves her with uncertainty, and she wants a relationship that's "well-lit" and has direction, purpose, or certainty. She sings about they have different purposes or personalities when she "we're oceans apart / There is so much space between us." She's different--"everything changed me"--and believes they may be "already defeated" and that it's not worth trying to salvage this wrecked relationship.

Hi! I'm a university writing center director who teaches literature classes and loves helping others to understand the deeper meanings of their favorite songs. I'm married to my beautiful wife April and love Twenty One Pilots, Mumford & Sons, Kishi Bashi, and so many others! 041b061a72

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